“Once again he/she gets the attention and is using up the household income on their own therapy and I am left carrying their stuff on my own”.

This is an understandable complaint don’t you think? Partners, that is NOT how it ought to be or need to remain. There is help for partners of Sex/Porn/Love addicts – whether you be a female or a male partner.

There is only a handful of women’s groups that offer Support For Partners of Sex Addicts and there are in only a few parts of the country. The Kairos Centre has developed such a Support For Partners of Sex Addicts Group for Female partners who can attend online, as a group or when no group is running (as an individual). Even when groups are running, you may prefer individual sessions. All good! Contact us.

What is the programme content? Teaching and discussion on the following:

Teaching and discussion on the following:

• Definition of sex addiction and Love addiction
• Common understandable error patterns which partners fall into and battles you will lose
• The role of the addiction
• Preparing an Impact Statement
• Partners absolute “No No’s”
• What can we learn about “Adult/Parent/Child” ego state interactions
• Family of Origin, contributors and what set up the addiction
• You are not alone
• Effect on the stars – Hollywood, Professionals, the good and the great, across the board – all are susceptible
• Evolution of the sexual template and map
• Cycle of addiction
• Boundaries
• Full disclosure of “secrets”
• Polygraph or not to Polygraph
• How much should I ask about his past behaviours?
• Trust, money, healthy sexuality
• Self responsibility & self care
• Own support groups
• Attachment, Shame, Narcissism, Co-dependency
• Grief cycle
• Questions women ask; hope, fears and reservations
• Disclosure: family and the children
• Legality issues
• Restoring the relationship or leaving the relationship
• The useful role of EMDR
• What can you take home from the Stage play “Accidentally Brave” : “In this unflinchingly honest one-woman play, Maddie tells an inspiring true story about discovering a new normal when everything she thought she knew came undone….. is an inspiring true story about discovering a new normal when the familiar world falls apart, a must-see examination of what it means to navigate a world with no certainty.
• Recommended reading

Contact The Kairos Centre to request your FREE “Support For Partners of Sex Addicts” Information Pack.

The Impact On You

Partner or wife of a Judge, Clergy, solicitor, Barrister, Accountant, teacher, IT Consultant, Utilities operator, facilities manager, HR Personnel, Company Director, Actor – Whichever of these male personnel with whom you are in relationship, sex addiction having its tentacles in your relationship, will leave you carrying a very heavy burden, with few people there for you to talk to about the impact on you.

“Will it ever get better? Can he really stop? Will I ever be able to trust him again? How do I know the children are safe? How do I compete with that stuff? Was it my fault or did I contribute? Was I not enough or good enough? How could I have been so stupid? How is it that I did not heed the signs that I now look back on and can see them? What do I do now? Do I really believe there is such a thing as sex addiction? Isn’t it just greed for more sex? What a nightmare? Where can I turn for help? What if people find out? How can I bear to carry this on my own? I am scared to join some form of women’s group. Their problems are not like mine. What if it gets out? My husband won’t agree to me attending a group. He is getting his help, but I have to hold on in there and not tell anyone in case.” It’s just not right. It’s just not fair. This is my life. He has ruined it. What am I going to do?

Women partners of sex addicts are frequently overlooked when it comes to treatment regimes – which typically focus on the man. Here is an introductory, highly confidential workshop for women ONLY to consider just some of the issues raised about – if you are able to put some trust in this facility which is there for you to get the help you need. The aim is to facilitate likeminded women finding friendship and support amongst each other, which they develop outside of the meetings.

Why group? You will face the strongest of resistance about getting involved. Many women will, however, testify to the fact that joining a group was the best outcome for their recovery. Why? The relief that other progressive, “got it all together women” are similarly affected! There is immediate shame reduction when you see normal, every day women facing the very same issues. Remember “Shame” is the base for keeping the men’s addiction firmly in place and shame will similarly keep you from the group.

Preparing an Impact Statement

(For partners impacted by Sex/Porn/Love Addiction behaviours of the other partner)

• Your chance to unpack the impact of the revelation (including cognitive dysregulation & disruption in your ability to think clearly and rationally; effect of trauma and Fight/Flight/Freeze; physical manifestation; existential (what does the revelations mean?); Spiritual dimension; Emotional; Coupleship
• Pre-disclosure Impact Statement prep and its content
• Post disclosure updated impact Statement and now know the full story and full extent of implication
• Put emotional pain into words – is therapeutic
• Rehearse it to a support structure “friend”
• What he/she has done is somewhat different to the issue of how it has impacted
• Benefits of an Impact statement:
• Validates the reality of her experience (post gaslighting). (Access the Gaslighting Assessment scale here: https://blocksurvey.io)
• Both can own the others lived experience, to aid re-alignment or separateness
• The partner gets to listen, witness and “know”
• The experience is owned
• Nothing the partner can do to fix it and make it alright (quickly)
• Partner must witness the pain and adverse impact
• (Maybe also the resilience and recovery over time is put in context)
• Devasting, but “I survived”
• Move from Victim to survivor to….(thriving)
• Therapeutic to write down the experience and then share/read it to a/some witness(es)
• Partner witnessing the pain, get to learn and increase Empathy (where Narcissistic behaviours have been prevalent and competes with Empathy)
• Justice & triumph – particularly seeing the reverse impact on a partner, of your pain – facilitates potential for Emapthy
• Facilitates grieving, thus organising the experience, ready for integration and moving to recovery
• Shared Narrative (where eventually the two can grief together)
• Scope for reduction in partner Defences and focus on self (narcissism still at work)
• Undermines Shame – where Shame means hide/hiddenness – don’t tell and don’t let anyone find out. (A coming out from the umbrella of Shame covering the couple in the fold of its shade and keeping them both in hiding – where Shame proliferates)
• Gives focus to future decision to stay or leave
• Use it as an “Empty Chair” experience
• Own your own narrative and voice
• Shared or own growth journey (for future reflection and evidenced journey of healing

The Gaslighting Assessment is a tool used to determine whether someone is experiencing gaslighting – https://blocksurvey.io