Not sure that Therapy/Counselling is for you? At this stage that is not what is being offered. You know there are some (more than just niggling) issues you have lived with for a long time. They just are. That is just how it is; how your life is and how it has panned out.
You desire to better understand why you do life the way that you do. Why the same outcomes over and over again? You change some things, yet the same outcomes. Why? You find yourself doing the very things you determine not to do and do not do the things that you desire to do. You can see repeated patterns in your past. The problems are often a recreation of unresolved and unprocessed childhood issues. Something about trying to repair past painful or traumatic events. If you could locate them, you would have done so by now and healed yourself. Maybe a little bit of help is needed.
There is often a massive connection between the adult self and the unfinished and unresolved, unexplained business of childhood. If you think you have few memories from and of childhood, that in itself is very significant!
Born into this world and as a new born baby the brand new brain now starts to collect impressions of life from the five senses, deposited as experiences on this new hard drive of the brain. Good, bad, neutral or indifference, those impressions are registered in the memory of the brain and you may not know they exist until in later years you react to a scenario in a particular way which catches even you by surprise.
Pre-verbal initially, you cannot easily retrieve the memories because they were not processed, register and stored in the correct alphabetical order in the filing cabinet of the brain. Yet those childhood experiences will have predisposed you (set you up) with a propensity toward repeat behaviours in later years.
What went into that template which crystalized at puberty, including the formation of the template? Attachment, Shame, Narcissism were perhaps set up in some people, but not recognized, understood or acknowledged. Many people experience some type of wounding during early development and learn to manage their emotions, but sometimes it gets the better of them. Want to know more and better understand?